SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to Filthy Little Secrets, the show where real everyday women get real about sex. We're here to shatter stigma and trample taboo one candid conversation at a time. My name's Marvin, but my readers know me as Morgan Hale, filthy romance author. And I'm your host for this heart-to-heart chat about something most of us think about, dream about, and even yearn for. But few of us feel comfortable admitting it, talking about it, or celebrating it.

Marvin aka Morgan Hale 0:26

So let's get filthy together.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Alright, y'all. I'm very happy to be sharing with you today someone who entered into my world by way of our mutual friend and hero, Kyra Casey. But she kind of came out and shared vulnerably about herself in a way that resonated really strongly with me. And I feel like we just really connected at that point, and ever since she's been like a superhero out there and championing her own authentic expression of her sexuality. And I have been watching and cheering and so excited that she is coming on to Filthy Little Secrets to talk and share about herself because she's amazing. And one of the things that she's doing that I think is super exciting is creating community for polyamorous people. What some of you probably maybe know a little bit about me if you've been following the podcast is that I've had a long journey in discovering my polyamorous self because I went from very early in my life of just running like heck from my sexuality in the direction of being a celibate Catholic priest. And then when that just came crumbling down because I was such a sexual person, I got married into a monogamous relationship with a wonderful person who's still a dear, dear, very close friend of mine and the mother of my son. But we both found out together that monogamy was not for me, even though it was very much for her. And we ended up divorcing, but not before I had a severe depressive episode, wound up in a hospital, suicidal, because I was trying very hard to be the monogamous person that I believed I was supposed to be. And it wasn't until I hit that rock bottom that I was like, okay, this strategy for life is not working for me. And so even if it's wrong, and I'm putting air quotes for me to be something else, I'm gonna give myself permission to explore other things because I have to find out how to be happy. Because leaving life is not the path I want to walk. So yeah, that kind of began my journey of exploring non-monogamy. And um, and it's been a long one. I mean, that started, gosh, probably 2012, I want to say, that I started that path. You know, she and I ultimately divorced, but we did five years of open marriage, and you know, that was an interesting time. But anyway, bring Naomi into the picture. She is. I'm gonna let you talk about you because you've been going through a similar kind of right journey recently.

SPEAKER_03 3:28

Very similar journey. I can like I could feel your energy as you're speaking all of that too. And I was just like, like the energy behind it totally relate to, and there's like a lot of emotions there too, because of like I can feel your emotions to it, and then my emotions connected to that. So yeah, I have gone through a very similar journey. I recently awoke to being polyamorous, and after doing that, I like once I realized it, I could see like the stitch all the way through my life of like how it connected. I always have been. It's like who I am at my core. And I know some people choose polyamory, and then for others, it's like who they are, that identity, which you can obviously because you're feeling that too, right? But I was married into a monogamous. I'm still married to him. I say was, but I still am married to him. Um, we're in like a monopoly dynamic now, but uh yeah, it came with its a whole set of its own challenges and everything else. And it's also really nice to hear like your story with like you were married, and then also that you guys are still like best friends. I fucking love that.

SPEAKER_02 4:31

Yeah, it's like she's in the next room. We're roommates now. You know, our son that we have together is graduating high school. And I mean, we went through some rocky times getting to where we are now, but we're I think I'm I now believe that we had soul contract from before we both entered into this life to do this together. And in hindsight, as I started to discover polyamory and retrospectively look over my life, it was just very clear that this is the person that I've always been, and I just was trying with white knuckles to hold on to monogamy because that's the only thing that I knew, you know. I'd never heard of anything else than that. And I had, I mean, I was gosh, so there was a period when she and I were separated, and I was in an apartment by myself, and I found this book by this woman Tristan Terramino called Opening Up. And when I was younger, I'd been very involved in church and had a lot of what I now think of as mystical experiences, where I just felt very connected to something bigger than me. My whole body felt like it was warm and tingling and energy flowing from head to toe. And I would be sitting on the floor of a church having this experience with someone would say spirit or the universe or God or whatever term you want to use. That was very common for me when I was younger. But I saw my sexuality as the enemy back then, and so I wasn't able to connect the two really at all. And you know, I was at war with myself because here I've got this like sexual part of me and also this very non-monogamous part of me, which we'll get into the overlapping of is it sexual, is it not sexual? Because I know you're having an interesting experience with that that I really want to talk about. Um, but as I looked back, yeah, it was like I've always been this person. I just was like clamping down, trying desperately to keep this person from coming out.

SPEAKER_03 6:30

And it's like I I could can totally fucking relate to that too. But like it's like at the time you don't know what it is that's like trying to come out because I didn't know what polyamory was, I didn't even know it was a thing. And like that's one of the main reasons of why I do what I do, like for it for work for business, like empowering polyamory souls to unapologetically own their truth free from shame, guilt, and judgment, because monogamy is portrayed as like the only option out there, like through society, right? And then people live with so much shame, so much guilt, so much stuff that's like eating them up inside. And they're they're not even sure what it is. Like before I when I didn't know even what polyamory was, I I can remember it like now that I know and I look back, like I was saying, I remember it stringing like way back to when I was a little kid and there was like I wasn't nothing was even sexual yet. I was a little kid and I just had a crush on two people. And then some people just like, oh, you can't do that. You have to pick one. And boom, first time ever, I push myself into that closet, you know? And that's like then leading up to that, there's like so many other stories that are like, okay, I see that. That makes sense now, that makes sense. Now we're before it was just like, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. This is just how I feel. Yeah I guess I'm a whole.

SPEAKER_02 7:47

Yeah, I mean, those are the nerves that you kind of end up with. I mean, like, I I remember going into the hospital, and my belief about myself was, well, I'm just broken. You know, there's just something wrong with me that I'm this way. I mean, my wife at the time and I were like sitting up doing pillow talk at night, and she was telling me that some church friends that we had that were people that I mean they'd been in our home, and I've had they'd been, you know, very kind to my face and hugged me and and shown me like love and acceptance, but they had been all that time telling her that she needed to leave me because I was having, you know, at the time what we called them was emotional affairs. And they were. I mean, they were emotional affairs with other women that I worked with or just women that I was, whatever, friends. However, it happened, I you know, I was falling in love with other women. I just felt very alone, you know, at that point to find out that the people that I thought were my friends were actually, you know, all kind of sitting in silent judgment and encouraging her. And the truth is, is like what was what she needed in a relationship was not compatible with what I needed in a relationship. And ultimately that is where we ended up. But the narrative at the time was I'm the bad one, I'm the wrong one. So of course I was like, well, I'll just I'll fix this. I'll exit.

SPEAKER_03 9:06

Like that's fucking hard when you're just trying to be yourself and it's and and feeling I feel like I I'm just gonna speak like straight from the heart here. I have that same fear of like people are gonna think of me as the bad one, as the whatever for being polyamorous, even though me and my husband communicate everything, we're very open. It's just like we're all on the same page, but uh, you still get that like fear of judgment from the outside sometimes that you're like that you're like, well, if if something happens that my husband and I ended up splitting, God forbid, like we I love the shit out of him. But if that happened, I'm like everybody would be looking at me, being like, you fucking hard. You know what I mean? Like, and that's like something that I guess people like you just have to work through, you have to get so rooted in you, so comfortable in you and your truth that you know who you are. And it's not that the judgment goes away, it's just that you no longer give a shit. Because it's like, I know who I am, I know the actual situation, right?

SPEAKER_02 10:01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is, it is very hard. I mean, and I I I mean, I now feel that those external judgments were all opportunities for me, because the reason why they're painful, I believe, is because somewhere deep inside my body, I am actually still holding on to those beliefs myself. And so if someone brings their judgment of me and it bothers me, then there's something that I need to work through, you know, there's something that I need to release. But I mean, at the time it was so intensely painful, and I didn't have the skills to cope with it. And so I was like super triggered, heavy duty, depressive episodes, suicidal, you know, just like, okay, I'm wrong, I'm bad, they're right. I just need to die. And you know, and now it's like I think Cairo was maybe actually one of the voices in my life that kind of helps me really solidify this belief that they don't have to be wrong. They can believe those things and feel those things, and that's true for them because I don't think it's actually that black and white, right? But them holding on to those beliefs and believing those things doesn't mean I have to. I can release those judgments from my body and let them think that I'm a heathen, and I can be like, you're right, I am a heathen, and I love that about myself. I mean, like, I I mean, I have a tattoo, right, on my wrist. This is Psalm 46, 10. And I mean, the part of that scripture that people will probably be familiar with is it says, Be still and know that I'm God. Well, there's a King James version of this verse that says, I will be exalted among the heathen.

SPEAKER_03 11:55

You kind of tattooed on your body. I love it.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

And the reason I was like, what in this verse? Um, aside from the be still and know that I'm God, because I mean meditation and just being still and being present to the metaphysical and my highest self has become such a central part of my healing and recovery and getting in touch with my authenticity. But just that part about the divine would be exalted among the heathen. I'm like, fuck yes. I just believe that, you know, I believe that there's beauty in our diversity and in the expression, and like that there are some people that if they are just authentically who they are, they will express themselves in life as what many would call promiscuous or slutty or that is perfect and beautiful, and some will judge it and some will wring their hands, and that's okay, they can like that's part of the music of our collective human expression. But you slutty person, rock your slutty game and just be that person because that also is beautiful and perfect, and so yeah, uh the divine being exalted among the heathen. I'm all about that.

SPEAKER_03 13:16

So I love too that you like were like that doesn't make them wrong because that's like my main mission is for everybody to move in their truth, whatever that truth is, because that truth is different for everybody, right? And I know that's something that I've struggled with in the past, like being raised very religious as well, is like for a while when I first got uh away from religion, because like I was raised the religion I was raised in was a borderline cult-ish. I call it cult-ish, I've still worked through the whatever of that. But anyway, so I rebelled hard. I like went out. I'm like, fuck it. If I'm burning in hell for eternity, I'm gonna make it worth it. And I like just went on crazy and then had this huge thing against religion. And it took me a while to like center back and be like, whoa, just because it's not for you doesn't mean it's wrong. And it's like I see the same thing with like monogamy and polyamory. It's like people who are polyamorous are bashing shit about monogamy and people about monogamy or bashing people about polyamory. I'm like, dude, everybody's doing a fucking one cripped shit at each other.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I had that too. And my initial stepping into my polyamorous self came with some very negative feelings about monogamy and sort of, you know, my own trauma response to being which I did it to myself, but you know, like forced into a container that didn't fit me, just really hating that container and finding all kind of faults with it, right? But yeah, I mean, now I really do feel that there's some really beautiful monogamous relationships out there, and it's not for me, just the idea of being in a monogamous relationship now for me feels like uh my body contracts, you know. It's like um, but it's okay for for them, and they can even feel however they feel about who I am. But the most important thing is for me to really embrace me.

SPEAKER_03 15:09

As long as you know who you are, that's what matters if you know who you are. Because it kind of takes away the power of those external judgments and those other things. Because I know I've had a lot of things come at me since awakening to being polyamorous, and it was a whirlwind at first, because you know, you initially you want to react and you have to like self-regulate and be like, whoa, like how do we like it's showing mirrors of like how you said those pieces of yourself that you're like, maybe there is a piece of me that needs to like that still semi-believes that or still has that fear or whatever it is that's being like activated within you when you're having those experiences. And I think that as soon as you can step outside of yourself and look from that place of like the outer view point and be like, I'm experiencing this, I'm experiencing these hard emotions because there's something for me to learn here, some way that I can expand, that I can evolve. I feel like it kind of takes you away from the pressure of those feelings. You don't get as consumed by them because you're like, I can't, I literally came to this earth to experience this. I know that you were talking about soul contracts earlier, and that's something that me and my husband talk about a lot because we had got along. Me and my husband have always got along since we've met. Like we never argued, never not, never even like had disagreements for the most part, like unless it was over noodles, but that's like a totally different story. But we we would like go along so well. So I always make the joke, I'm like, we came to this earth to grow together. And I guess our souls were like, nah, you guys are too good at monogamy, spit your polyeth.

SPEAKER_02 16:42

Yeah. I mean, as much as like I think it's human to crave comfort and easy and nothing ever challenging, that surely on some level we came here to grow. And so, as much as we might kick and screen through the hard things, that actually that's those are the life experiences that I think we signed up for. So yeah. So I mean, I'm curious about a couple of things. I mean, actually, I'm just curious about a lot of things with you, but um but you were talking about like looking back and sort of seeing yourself through the rear view mirror and how you recognize that I've always been this person, and you're telling the one story about that you had a crush on two people. Are there other experiences that like as you were sort of doing that rear view mirror look at your life that really stand out that you're like, okay, that was like Naomi being poly before she knew what poly was that you would be open to sharing?

SPEAKER_03 17:41

Absolutely. I have more than one if you want it. So the next one that comes to mind, I was 16. It was my very, very first relationship ever. And it lasted two years, but like a little ways in, I my polyamorous self started surfacing and I actually cheated in that relationship, not sexually, but it was still unethical behavior, right? Um, so that was the first, and it was like I loved, then loved two people. And I was like torn up in this thing, like what the fuck is going on? And then eventually like the discussion happened, and I was like, oh, look, I love both people. I don't know, I don't know, I don't want to choose, I don't want to whatever. And then I I ended up just like ending both relationships with like fuck it. I'm not doing I'm not doing this. Like I just feels I was I was scared and I had that like shame, guilt, all this shit that I'm holding on to because I feel like I'm being doing something wrong, which I was because it was unethical and I wasn't communicating it. But you know what I mean? All of that shit of like, why am I like this? I don't fucking get it. So I just like moved on from that. And then I guess going further on after that, I continued to get into um monogamous relationships because I didn't know there was any other options. I honestly, my belief with that was you can either be in a relationship and be loved and have that connection, or you can be single and be free. Those are your two options. You can't have they can't coexist. Like that was like just the belief that was in my head. But so I would obviously start ending up missing that connection because we're humans, that's what we're fucking built for. Um, and I would get back into a monogamous relationship. And then I started to see this pattern weave through that in every single relationship I got in, it lasted one year. Exactly one year. That was my vessel. Me as a polyamorous soul could only be in a monogamous relationship for one year before it started like eating me up inside. So kind of going through that. After that, I'm like, hey, fuck it. I'm not dating anymore. I'm just gonna stay single. Um, and then I got into a relationship with not a relationship, but like fuck buddy situationship with two people.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 19:46

That was like a very freeing time in my life. Only because that time it was very ethical. Everybody knew everybody's like, I'm see, I was like, I'm seeing other people. This is not a thing. This is just fun. And everybody's like, hey, cool. Like everybody was on the same page with it, but I was missing that connection because I would had a fear there. So I wasn't, I wouldn't let myself connect at all. I was just like, mm-mm, like this is just because of whatever, you know. So I felt like free in one sense, but like completely trapped in the other. And then monotonous conditioning, of course, you're gonna hear that really really dived in here. Is I was like, I'm just gonna stay single until I meet somebody that makes me not want to connect with anybody else, that makes me not want to fuck anybody else, that makes me like whatever. Like when I meet the one, I'll settle down. When I meet, you know, get when I get find the right person, I'll settle down. And then I ended up meeting my husband. And again, that was like that, that I that was great. I loved it. I lasted way past the year. Like everything was amazing, and then all of a sudden my polyamorous self started surfacing again, and I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with me? So that's when kind of the awakening happened.

SPEAKER_02 20:50

So that's kind of long, but no, no, that's beautiful, and I feel that so much because, like, I mean, yeah, I think that narrative of oh, the reason why you are craving connections or sexual experiences or freedom with someone else is because you just haven't met the one yet. And so it must be that this person that you're with isn't your person. I mean, I got so much of that when I first started trying to figure out who I was and explore, you know, any kind of form of non-monogamy. It was like people saying, Oh, well, it must be because you're, you know, your ex-wife or your wife, she's just not your. And I'm like, that isn't it. Like, it's not her. She's awesome. You know, it's um, and my partner now. I mean, you know, I mean, our relationship is is more compatible with me now. But um, yeah, I mean, it's like there is that's a that's a like a default assumption that I've experienced from other people that oh, well, that must be the reason instead of, or maybe you're just not wired. So So I'm curious how you'll answer this. I know what my answer to this question is, but like so knowing how you are now and that you have both this craving for some form of freedom, but also some form of connection, what's like your dream happy place? Like what does it look like?

SPEAKER_03 22:17

Just that I am able to move freely with my desires in each moment. And whatever that may be. Like it's not like I have certain things like picked out, but I'm just like, just that I can be me and show up as me and not have to feel shameful or guilty about it and be like, just be able to be honest and be fucking me.

SPEAKER_02 22:34

Right. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's that for me too. Like, I don't want to feel like it's for some reason, I think I've always been this way, but authenticity is like my happy place. And so if I get to be authentically myself and I don't have to put the brakes on for any reason, then I feel like I can breathe. And if there's like constraints that I have to put on myself because of a relationship, then that starts to feel really suffocating for me. And yeah, and I know myself now to know that I am gonna develop these intense emotional connections with other people. And for me, and I know it's not necessarily the same way for you, but um, for me, there will be sexual chemistry, you know, there will be like sexual undertones. I don't necessarily have to have sex with that person, but I am definitely going to feel sexual about them. You know, I'm going to find them sexually attractive. I'm gonna feel some kind of way around them. My body's gonna be, you know, like tingly and butterflies, and like, and you know, if they turn around and I see their ass, I'm gonna like be like, oh my god, that's amazing or whatever it is. The way their hair or their eyes are, you know. The sound of their voice, the I mean, they'll just be all kind of things that will really light me up and I will think about when I'm in the shower or when I'm like driving on the street or whatever, because I'm just mesmerized by them. And it will at most times in my life there will be at least two people that I have like stuff going on, you know. So yeah. But I when you and I talked a little bit before this, and you said that, you know, like currently, I mean you have your marriage and their agreement that you two have is that you're free to have the emotional things that you do experience.

SPEAKER_03 24:21

And so you do you want to talk about like what your yeah, I'm I'm free to like create those emotional connections and stuff. Um, like obviously sexual activity is a boundary for my husband, which is totally understandable. This is like still very new, so there's a lot that we're growing to expanding through, right? And that's just something that right now he's like that that is a boundary for me. So I choose to respect that boundary. It's not like he's forcing me to do anything or anything like that because ultimately nobody owns anybody. We're all free to do our own things, right? But I choose to respect that boundary and stay in this relationship because my desire to be with my husband is so strong, right? So that's where where we're at with it.

SPEAKER_02 25:02

Yeah. So I mean, currently, is there someone that you have like an emotional?

SPEAKER_03 25:08

I have a partner who's also very amazing. Um that's actually kind of like saying it out in public, unless they're yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:18

I love that. Yay, and y'all can't see this because we're not doing video, but I mean, she says that, and you just have a glow. It makes me so elip seeing.

SPEAKER_03 25:28

I just love your hair for those of you who can't see.

SPEAKER_02 25:31

Oh, oh yes. I have a I have a wig on. Yeah, I was in the mood to wear a wig today, so I'm totally just in a playful mood. Um oh yeah, no, we had a wig too, so we were gonna wake it out. Uh can I talk about your outfit?

SPEAKER_03 25:49

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

It's like a black lacy.

SPEAKER_03 25:52

Black lacey, yes.

SPEAKER_02 25:53

It's like lingerie, kind of.

SPEAKER_03 25:55

It looks like it it is. And the uh Rich Pitch group that we're in, it was the gift, and I've been wearing it every day since I wash it.

SPEAKER_02 26:05

But you're like, this is my rich pitch outfit. I love it.

SPEAKER_03 26:09

Yep, I was like wearing it today. I'm like, do I change this for the podcast? I'm like, uh, they said that you can't see anything, so I guess it's fine.

SPEAKER_02 26:15

Yeah, y'all don't y'all don't get to see, but Namily's wearing a beautiful entree piece, and it's it is kind of transparent, right?

SPEAKER_03 26:22

Yeah, but I have her as well.

SPEAKER_02 26:24

She's got her hair, she's got her hair strategically covering her breasts.

SPEAKER_03 26:28

I was like, I'm wearing I call it a shirt. See, that's how easily it flows out. I'm like, this is a shirt now. I'm wearing this as a shirt. I'm like, I'm pretty sure it's legal to go shirtless for women in Alberta. I'm pretty sure you're allowed to do that. So I'm allowed to wear this as a shirt. I've always kind of been like a rebel when it comes to clothes, especially because growing up we had to wear long skirts, like very high shirts. So I'm just like very expressive with the clothing that I wear, and I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 26:52

I love it. I love it, I love it. So, okay, so you've worn this out in in Alberta?

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 26:59

Oh, that's amazing. Okay, well, so so I mean, confessions. I did catch a glimpse before you were covering with your hair. You do you do kind of see your nipples through the right? Yeah, you're you're smiling. I love this. Okay, I love this too because our mutual friend Kyra is also very self-expressed. And I mean, it was one of the things that I was initially so drawn to her. Is she had, you know, on her website at the time, she had like this big banner of herself wearing something kind of similar. It was like a sheer black, it was like a bra, I guess, under a like a suit coat. And you could see her nipple on the just banner of her website. And I thought, this person is my coach. I'm like, she is celebrating herself completely like liberated, and whatever people want to say about me, I don't care. This is me, and here's my breast, and here's my nipple, deal with it.

SPEAKER_03 27:53

And so we all have nipples. Why are we trying to hold them? We all have fucking nipples. I've had it like people walk up to me and be like, I can see your boobs. I'm like, you're welcome.

SPEAKER_01 28:03

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 28:05

Everybody should be able to wear and do what they want or wear nothing if they want. It doesn't matter. Honestly, if you were up to me, everyone would walk around naked and there'd be no more problems with like body shaming or anything. Because we'd be like, no, we see what everybody's got. You close people for hiding nothing, all bodies are normal.

SPEAKER_02 28:21

Let's not make yeah, yeah. No, I think that uh there would be a lot of I think there would be a lot of healing if we just did that experiment together. Is it you know, because we're so it's like we're so afraid of our bodies for some reason. And I mean I know for me it was just really shame-based, you know, like I had a lot of shame that was based in the beliefs that I had about my sexuality. And I mean, I vividly remember being in eighth grade when I started to get erections, horrified at how exposed I felt. The fact that I had any sexual sensation in my body was like on display if I had like some kind of poke in the front of my little pants that I had to uniform pants that I had to wear at school, you know. Like that was gonna be the ultimate humiliation. And I think I still, you know, like Kyra did a retreat back in September, and I just felt my intuition guiding me to put some like leggings packed for that retreat, and uh that it was gonna be an edge for me to wear them because you know it wasn't naked, but I was was very form-fitting. And I mean, at that retreat, it was me and two other guys and like 20 women, maybe at that retreat. And yeah, I mean the first time I put those leggings on, and I like snuck out of my room, I looked to the right, and I looked to the left. Is anybody watching? And I like ran out the front door of the lodge out into the parking lot because my body was in full contraction over feeling exposed and my genitals, and how you know were people gonna think I'm a creep or whatever they were gonna think. And Kyra saw me and she came over and she's like, Hey, what's going on? Of course, she's super psychic, right? So I know she's got a complete read on the situation, and I was like, I'm hiding. You know, and I told her what was going on, and she's like, Marvin, you could be naked, it wouldn't bother me. And she just encouraged me to just be myself, and so I came back in wearing the leggings, and everybody was super cool and embracing me, and just didn't treat me like I was, you know, the black plague. That's what I felt like.

SPEAKER_03 30:26

I love that you did that, that you went out of your comfort zone and you're like, this feels uncomfortable, let's fucking go. And you just did it. Tell me how fucking empowered did you feel afterwards? How liberated.

SPEAKER_02 30:37

Yeah. Well, it was just deeply healing and comforting because the reaction of all those women, I mean, they just kind of acted like you're still a great dude, and we love that you're here, and we'll sit next to you even though you're wearing these leggings, and we'll talk to you, and we'll treat you like a human being. And it was just very soothing to that part of my soul that felt so much shame around my body, and particularly around my car. I mean, there was no denying it, but I mean, and Kyra even talked about it later. She's like, Yeah, sure, we can all see your package.

SPEAKER_03 31:09

And so have a package, that's normal.

SPEAKER_02 31:14

Yeah, yeah. And I was like, oh my god, I can't believe, you know, because because there was a point in my life when I was so at war with my sexual side of myself that like my life plan was I was gonna castrate myself to get away from it, you know, that's how awful it is. And so yeah, to instead be in this retreat full of women and be wearing these like you know, revealing leggings and just be treated with so much love because there was so much love at that retreat. So anyway, I love that you're wearing your rich bitch lingerie, and um, and then I think the other time we talked to you, you had I think maybe you had it on. Yeah, probably.

SPEAKER_03 31:55

Like I said, I've been I've been wearing it, I've been wearing it almost every day on Time Books. It's a fucking shirt, but I want to touch on the fact that like you going out of your comfort zone, back to the leggings thing, just totally like you going out of your comfort zone, how much healing you were saying was was in that and growth. And I think that for anybody listening, just knowing that get comfortable with being uncomfortable, get uh get out of your comfort zone because that is that is so powerful. That's how you like heal those pieces of yourself. Like, for example, even getting on this podcast, this is the first podcast I've ever been on. I was I was kind of nervous when I first popped on, you know what I mean? And I'm just like, oh, you know what? I'm just gonna like roll with it, go with it. And I feel like because I know that it took me a while to actually book in with you, and I feel like there was a lot of a lot of that was staying in my comfort zone. And finally, one morning I woke up and I'm just like, bitch, get on that fucking podcast now.

SPEAKER_01 32:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 32:49

It's just like just get up, get out of your comfort zone, fucking go. So, like it's it's so empowering when you can do that, when you can move out of your comfort zone. And then once you're on it, you're like, I'm fucking good. Everything's good.

SPEAKER_02 33:01

Yes, yes, you are, you are, you're a very magical person. I'm grateful that you finally did. I think you at some point said you were thinking about it. I was like, she's gonna when the when the right time comes, she's gonna be, yeah, because just on your social media, you know, you were dropping just gold on your feed about insights that you were having about polyamory and being a polyamorous person and the experience of coming out and the different reactions that you're getting, and the people that were coming out of their closets who were like, oh my god, me too.

SPEAKER_03 33:34

I I love that, I love that. It's just like came out. People like I started they started popping up everywhere. I felt so alone when I wasn't out about it because I'm like, I'm the only one like this, nobody gets it, da-da-da-da. And then all of a sudden I like just came out. I'm like, fuck it, I cannot be the only one. I'm like, there's more people out there like hiding in the shadows or something because so I'm just like, here I am, and all of a sudden everybody's like all these little people started popping up from different places, and I'm like, oh my god, there's so many of us. I love it. And also not coming onto your podcast. First of all, I was going through that whole fucking tornado of an awakening, which took a lot of like panic attacks, anxiety, self-regulation, like going through all of the motions of it, which I'm surprised it didn't take it that long. I'm very fast at growing. But also another big piece of it is I'm like, this is a sex podcast. I don't know. Like filthy little secrets, I'm like, I'm so fucking vanilla. I don't have any stories.

SPEAKER_02 34:25

So this is the thing to me about filthy little secrets. I mean, I used that because I well, first of all, it was intended to be kind of playful. But I mean, but the truth is, is I think like whatever our authentic sexuality is, there's just a really blanket for the everyday individual, there's still just this blanket, it's all filthy, it's all taboo, we can't talk about it. Like, you don't go on Facebook and see many people. I mean, there's people that are like sex birds that that's professionally what they've committed themselves to doing, and thank God for those people. And I'm like, rah-rah, yay, you go. But for the for the everyday person who's, you know, whatever they're doing in their life, people post about all kinds of things on social media, but there's just not a lot of, and I've got some very open-minded friends, and I know who they are sexually, but they are hiding that part of themselves, and it's because in our culture, it's like this filthy little secret that most of us are sexual beings, and we just can't freaking talk about it, but it's very hard to talk about. So, yeah, it's kind of like whatever your sexuality looks like. I mean, you know, the very first episode that I had was this wonderful episode with Andrea, and she's been married in a monogamous relationship with her husband for 21 years, and like that was perfect because that was her authentic story, and she had the same fear that well, maybe I'm not, you know, whatever enough. I'm so vanilla, is how she said it, you know, and I'm like, you if you're willing to come and just talk about your sexual traits, that's perfect. That's a conversation that is for whatever reason in the you know, in the mainstream, it's still like filthy, you know.

SPEAKER_03 36:10

It's like I love that you're opening a space for that too, because I think that that is so powerful to talk about those taboo, I'm doing air quotes, topics, because it's like, why is it something that there should be shame around that that people shouldn't talk about? Like, and I get what you're saying with the social media thing too, because that's something that I am trying to implement more on my social media is just belief showing up and being my fucking self and like releasing the fear. I don't care if people just like I've posted pictures that people are like, oh my God, what are you doing? I'm like, I am being looked at it, like me being me, right? And I think that like I look at myself, which it's I'm growing in that area. I'm I'm expressing more, but like even in the past, not even that long ago in the past, I wasn't fully expressing who I was online. Like, I am fucked up, I am weird, and I love it. And like I've embraced the shit out of that. All my friends know that. Like, they're just they're I say something super fucked up, nobody even bats an eye because it's just so fucking common. And like that's why they love me. So I'm like, that's why why I need to show up at in my truth as I am online in those ways, right? So like I want to tell this story just because it popped into my head.

SPEAKER_02 37:16

So I'm just gonna please do yes, do it.

SPEAKER_03 37:19

Like an example of fucked up shit that I say is like I just I don't even know if my husband and I were sitting around the table. There were other few other people there, I can't remember who, but we we just started talking about something, and I just decided to go off about my husband. Um, how I'm like, you just like to go to sex clubs and lick the toilet or lick the toilet seats and lick the other seats. Like you just go lick the seats at sex clubs. And he just looks at me and he goes, You are so fucked up. You are so nasty, and I love it. That's the type of energy that I'm like, oh yes, like I love, and then when you just show up and act like that, you attract the people who have that vibe. So you don't have to sit there and be like, I'm just gonna cut nipples and talk about tea and flowers. It's like, no, I'm gonna talk about these fucked up things that pop into my brain and I'm not gonna filter it. And then you attract your tribe and you don't have to hide who you are.

SPEAKER_02 38:16

Yes, I think that's really true. I mean, when I first started looking for people that were like me as a poly person, there was a guy, he said something that became like scripture to me. He was like, you turn up the volume as loud as you possibly can on who you authentically are so that the other freaks can find you.

SPEAKER_03 38:38

I love that. I am stealing that. That is now mine. I'm right now.

SPEAKER_02 38:42

Yeah, and I was like, Oh, I thought I just know that to be so true that you know it's like if the other people that are like you that they're on that same frequency as you are gonna find you, you've got to increase your amplitude so they can.

SPEAKER_03 38:56

It welcomes people to come out of their shell too, right? Like I've been told that times by my friends. They're like, I love coming to your house. There's no judgment, there's no you can say or do whatever the fuck you want, as long as you don't touch the animals or hurt the animals, you're fine. I'm like, that's how we roll, and it it does kind of like it just opens up that space for everybody to be themselves, especially when like you're really freaking weird, and then everybody's like, Well, I can't outweird that, so I may as well just be myself. Like, I am the weirdest one that I know other than one of my friends, and she is just completely fucked. She's so weird, and I love hanging out with her because I'm like, there's no outweirding you, you're just amazing.

SPEAKER_02 39:36

Yeah, it's like really refreshing because it's like, wow, I can just be myself, and yeah, it's a real gift that you give other people, you know, just by being yourself, because yeah, everybody's craving that, I think. I think everybody is yearning for the safe space to be seen for who they really are. And I think for the most part, social media, it is a suffocating container for that. You know, most most of what's on there is everybody presenting the very narrow view of what we all think is acceptable, and and so little of the the parts of ourselves that we're afraid might be rejected. And so, you know, if we're all like observing that, then it's very easy to walk away with, well, I don't fit that, so I'm wrong, I'm broken, I'm sometimes, you know, whatever. I mean, I love what you've been doing on your social media and that you're creating that in your, you know, just in your circle that you're that person for your friends. And you know, and some people are gonna be repelled by it, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_03 40:40

Like Yeah, and that needs to happen. The thing with that is it needs to happen. Like you say, I'm that person for my friends, my friends are that those people for me too, right? Like, that's the thing is if you are showing up with a mask trying to fit in, you will fit in, but you're not gonna you're not gonna feel like you fit in because you're putting on a mask, right? Where as soon as you take that mask off, sure, some people will be like, This is a hell no, you are fucking crazy, walk the other way. But when you walk the other way, there's gonna be this other crazy person on top of the freaking flagpole over there, and you're like, Hey, I'm down here, I want to talk to you, you know?

SPEAKER_02 41:13

Yes. So speaking of, you recently posted about a mug that you had that you brought back from the taboo show, which I'd never heard of the taboo show, but I looked it up because I was like, this sounds fun. And I was looking at these videos of this dude who was painting his naked body and particularly his cock with it looked like white paint, I guess. Well, there were women that had these black shirts basically like pressing his you know, hard cock painted white onto their shirts, and it created this image of an artistic exploded-looking cock silhouette on the shirts. So that's what I know about the taboo show, but uh what was your experience?

SPEAKER_03 41:52

I did not see no cock painting, but I could totally see something like that being at one of them. But the one that I didn't the one that I went to, it didn't have that. But they like, you know, they have the dungeon where you could go in and like they have like whips and and electricity, like all of these things that you can try. And I more so like I went there for I like I went there last year and it was a lot of fun. Like I got whipped and I was like, interesting. Um, but then I went there more so this time because I was like wanting to speak to the vendors and stuff because I'm trying to put together some workshops and everything of like taboo stuff. So I went to connect with those people, but I it's a lot of fun. They do like entertainment, um, so there's like they put on performances and stuff, and then they have like a bunch of different booths that um, you know, just all that taboo stuff, sex toys. Some of them are like, like I said, though some people sell whips, some people are like fucking around with electricity, which I did get zapped when I was there. That was pretty cool. There was this one booth that I went to, and they were like really into like dom that it was like Dominatrix type stuff. So like there was DOMs and subs, and I I don't know a whole lot about that. That's a whole new thing for me. Like, I'm just like, I've heard about it now and I'm like, interesting. But like watching how they don't DOMs interacted with their live in subs, like I found myself some judgment coming up. And I think that it was like obviously stemmed from the past of like girls are less than guys type thing feeling. And I was like, hmm, I don't, I don't know if I like this, and like felt a little bit of judgment towards it. And I walked away, and I just remember thinking, like, okay, let's let's pause, let's pause the judgment because like I I do not like to judge anybody. Everybody's dynamics are valid, everybody's truth is valid, what everybody wants is valid, and I'm very about like opening myself up, learning, and expanding my mind. But obviously, still that those things surface sometimes. We're human beings, we all have past with beliefs and subconscious programmings and all that stuff, right? But anyway, so I'm trying to like, I'm like working on releasing the judgment. I'm like, they're they're just chatting to be. I'm like, you know what? Fuck it. I walk back to that booth and I walked up to the sub. And I'm like, can I talk to you for a second? She's like, Yeah, sure. Like they were just sitting there chatting with everybody. And I was like, okay, you can tell me to fuck off at any time if this is too personal. But I just really have a couple questions. She's like, go for it. Ask me whatever you want. She was really open. And I was just like, okay, look, when I first came over here, like I felt some judgment surfing. And I was just straight up fucking honest with her. I'm like, about this, this, this. And I'm like, and I don't want to be like that. I want to understand. I want to, I want to know, like, I want to know this situation. I want to be open-minded. And she was like very happy that I came up and she like expressed all she's like, I choose to be here. Like, this is how I love to show my love. Like, I serving is how I love to show my love. I want to be in this space. Like, this is totally my thing. And like by the end of it, my mind was completely changed on all of it because I was willing to question and step outside of my own bullshit for a second and like actually ask questions. So I feel like there's a lot of healing and growth happen at the in things that are taboo if people will actually open their mind to it, right?

SPEAKER_02 44:51

Yeah. So like kind of get past the judgment and sort of have conversation and see each other.

SPEAKER_01 44:57

That's very cool.

SPEAKER_02 44:58

Well, um, I know you mentioned, I think you said uh at one point when we were talking about the taboo show that you had started to feel drawn to Shibari. Is that right?

SPEAKER_03 45:09

I was drawn to Shibari before the taboo show. There was a Shibari thing there though. Um there I'm actually creating, I'm actually putting together a workshop for Shibari. Um again, not super knowledgeable in that at all, but I want to experience it. So that's why we're I'm putting together a workshop and then we're gonna have somebody come down and teach.

SPEAKER_02 45:30

Well, so I mean, uh, what is it about Shibari that you fall down to?

SPEAKER_03 45:36

I don't really know to be honest. It's just like an intuitive poll. And when I have an intuitive poll, I just listen. First of all, I think it's artistic as fuck. Like when you look at the the the way the ties look on the body, I'm like, I would wear that as a shirt, like you know, but like I think that's one. Also, like I do have an interesting relationship with pain, and I know that some of that is involved with Shibari too, so kind of curious too. Because I know there's like a healing aspect of it, right? So I've tried I've heard that as well. So just intuitively, I'm pulled to it, and I'm not sure where exactly it is.

SPEAKER_02 46:08

Maybe it's a few different pieces, but uh I I need to read something to you, Juliet, who has also been a guest on this show. She posted this today. She wrote, To the ones who say BDSM is a trauma response. I say this for me and for the countless women and couples I've worked with, it's been a trauma release. I spent years as a professional dominatrix, not just playing with power, but guiding people into complete surrender, profound safety, and full-bodied trust. I've seen more healing in the proverbial dungeon than in a thousand hours of talk therapy. Because when power is held with precision, integrity, and care, the body opens, the freeze melts, and control becomes choice. The women I support move through their shame, the shutdown, the dissociation, and reclaim their voice, their pleasure, their capacity to receive. You don't need to re-traumatize yourself to heal. There are ways to feel again with structure, sensation, and full permission to be in your body. Reclamation isn't always soft, but it is always sacred. And then she has a picture of herself. It's a Shibari car with the knotting around her wrists and it's tied up over her head. I don't know. When I saw that, I was like, interesting.

SPEAKER_03 47:24

Fucking beautiful. I love the the part about control is now a choice. And like I can totally see where people get the misconception of like it being a trauma response type thing. Because like even the first time that I went to the taboo show, which wasn't that long ago, I remember when like I first got whipped. Because I have this thing where okay, we're gonna get I'm gonna get involved. I was um I was whipped a lot as a kid, and and more than just spankings, like I was kind of, you know, went through a little bit of shit. Anyway, so like the first time I was whipped, I was like, I like turned around because I like felt pretty I have very high pain tolerance. I can just turn pain off and not feel it because that's what I was trained to do. But I just remember turning around and be like, that didn't even hurt. Like I was beat as a child, you're gonna have to do better. But it was like at that time, that's unhealed me talking, and like I can see where where you the trauma thing would be mixed in there because even in my own mindset, it was like there it was a piece of that mix in there. But also, I think when you look beyond that is where you start to see the healing aspect and the other things, which again, I'm not like pro at any of this. I don't even know much about it. I'm just going off of what I know so far.

SPEAKER_02 48:33

Yeah, I mean, it's interesting as you're talking, and I'm just thinking about other women that lives in my personal life, you know, over the course of I mean, I'll be 53 in two weeks, but women sharing their filthy little secrets of stories of things that they've, you know, done sexually in their life. And I mean, what has definitely been a recurring theme, those women using their choice and their body to express their sexuality the way that they wanted to, regardless of what anybody else had to say about it, what judgments they might have to say about it, and that being their path to healing themselves from sexual trauma, because their experience of sex, you know, much earlier in their life was from a place of not consent from violence and from assault. And this was them taking their reins and creating the experience that they wanted to have on their terms with their body. So, I mean, I can kind of see what Juliet maybe was saying in that if what you're doing is an expression of your authentic choice, then it flips the script. You take the same experience, and like you're talking about, you know, you experience, I mean, it sounds like you experienced violence, really, right? Is that fair to say?

SPEAKER_03 49:47

Fair to say, okay. I want to just clarify this just in case. I mean, God forbid any of my fabulousness, I couldn't see them listening to a podcast called Filthy Little Secrets, but it's just my mom had issues. Um, like she wasn't, she had her brain was damaged. Let's just let's just go with that. So, like I love my mom, she was she was great, but there were pieces that, yeah, were not so great from her specifically, so it wasn't like everybody mom, but I just wanted to harness that person. Felt like I needed to.

SPEAKER_02 50:16

Yeah, but yeah, I mean, and I don't know how it'll unfold for you, but I mean, like, can we talk about spankings?

unknown 50:22

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 50:25

Well, we'll talk about spankings in a second, but I guess what I'm thinking is, I mean, I could see how for you it might be healing to experience whipping or spanking or whatever it is, but from a place of you feel safe and it's something you're choosing, and it's and it's playful instead of you're being disciplined and you're being treated like you're wrong and you're all that kind of thing. Now you're being treated with like, hey, we're playing and we're having fun, and you know, you bad girl or whatever it is, you know, but it's like all safe and it's in a container of love and acceptance that that that could really rewrite the story and recre and and just take that whole experience and transmute it. And so I don't is it like that for you though at all?

SPEAKER_03 51:12

I I like I like that person I like that perception on it. Um honestly, that that feels like as you're saying that I'm like, mm-hmm, that aligns, that makes sense. But I guess that's just not something that I've super dove into either. I just always know I have, I've always known that I have this weird relationship with pain. And I don't think it was just okay, now we're going off another tangent, but I don't think it was just that experience of like that specific experience growing up because like my siblings and I, I have a lot of siblings, like there's six of us. Um, and like the way we show love to each other, like you fight. That was the main event when all our cousins would come over, which was obviously way more than six. And the main event, the thing you do is just wrestle and fight on the trampoline. Like that's how you show love. And like I was very restricted growing up. Like, I didn't go out into the world a whole lot. Like, those were called worldly people, so I was very like constricted to where I was raised. And when I did finally go out into the world, I didn't know how to be nice, like soft, like I hurt everybody all the time, and I felt so bad, but I'm like, I don't get it. Like, I don't understand because I was so used to like this is just how you interact with other people, you beat the shit out of each other. That's what you do. So yeah, I don't know where where that came from and how tied. What was your fucking question?

SPEAKER_02 52:33

Well, we have talked about that. You have a thing about spanking. Can we dive into that?

SPEAKER_03 52:39

Yeah, and it's not even like with spanking, it's not even necessarily like a sexual thing for me. I mean, it's it can be, it can be, but like I do have this. The thing I don't know if what you're referring to is that I have to be evened out or what it is.

SPEAKER_02 52:53

Yes, yes, talk about the evening out.

SPEAKER_03 52:57

So my friends all slap my ass. That's just everybody slaps my ass. That's just what happens, and all of my friends know if you slap my ass, you have to even it out and slap the other cheek equally as hard. Don't do it harder, don't do it less hard. It needs to be even. So yeah, I do want to say with spanking, and it's like if you're gonna spank me, do it right. Like, even it out.

SPEAKER_02 53:21

I love that. I love that you've created like a because for one thing, it's like, oh, we're not supposed to touch other people's asses, I'm not supposed to let somebody touch my ass, but you've created this like spanking Naomi's ass is we're good with it, and there's a certain way I want you to do it. So if you're gonna do it, you know, you've created an environment of play in your relationships around this thing that might be considered taboo, but like it's so comfortable and playful and almost innocent and childlike in a way. That will because here and you describe it at least, that's sort of how it sounds.

SPEAKER_03 53:56

Yeah, actually, like you saying that if like some people might see that as taboo. Like, I guess I just never really see it that yet, like exact how you said just innocent. Like, no, that's just how it is. So that I don't know, like I've had my siblings slap my ass. Like, it's not weird, it's not like a sexual, it is like a playful thing, exactly like you're you're saying, right? Like when I say they slap ass, it's not like a little like it's not like a it's like I'm gonna walk up behind this bitch and slap her as hard as I fucking can, and it hurts. Like I'll have a hand welt on there for a bit after, and I'm like, ow. But they gotta even it out. I need two welts.

SPEAKER_02 54:32

Right. You're like, come on, get the other one. I love that. I mean, after you tell that story, it reminded me of when I was in high school, most everybody who knew me to be this very outspoken, very devout Christian. I talked about my Christian faith a lot and made every effort to, you know, publicly live my life in a way that aligned with those values. But I also was secretly compulsively masturbating. And then there were ways that it was almost like I wanted to be found out because I would do I would let myself be seen. And the two ways that I think about that I did this, I would draw these like really scandalous cartoons and share them with other people. And there was this one time that I was like in music class, right? And I had drawn this picture, and it was this naked woman basically, and I had like made it where you could fold it over and it changed the picture to look like it was just a face. But if you unfolded it, it was a naked woman. And there was another student in the class who basically grabbed it from me and gave it to the teacher, and the teacher was like, and it was this moment of just like Marvin drew this, like he's the standing up on stage talking about Jesus guy, and he's like drawing this, you know, obscene air quotes picture in you know, class. And so, but the other thing that I was thinking about was when I was in theater, there was this woman who was in well, I mean, I say she was a teenager too, we were both teens, and we had this like playful thing going on where we kept slapping each other's ass, like backstage, basically, in between takes and the you know, when we were before we went on stage to deliver our lines or whatever, and if she was coming off the set and I was going on or whatever, like we it was almost like tag, and it was like just pinching too, like it was either pinching or spanking or whatever. But I look back at that and I think that was so authentic for me, and yet at the time it was so out of character from what I was mostly presenting to my world. I think if I had gotten exposed that I was doing that, a lot of people would have been like, what, Marvin? Um, that doesn't fit with everything else that he's telling us he is.

SPEAKER_03 56:54

I have a question about that then.

SPEAKER_02 56:56

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 56:57

Do you think that the part that you were like presenting yourself as then was like the the part that people expected you to be? While the as soon as you started having fun and going like in totally like, you know, fun mode, you mode, the you actually started to come out. Like that's just like you know.

SPEAKER_02 57:14

Yeah. Well, I mean, so the truth is that I think both parts were authentic because I was really spiritual growing up, but the way that I saw my spirituality was at war with my sexuality. And and so I had both parts, but I felt really ashamed of my sexuality, so I was like doing everything I could to closet it. But yeah, like an opportunity comes up where I have a you know, somebody else that I'm in this play with who's willing to play with me and is willing to pinch my ass and willing to let me pinch hers, you know, and like and it felt it felt kind of sexual, but it was also just like it felt so safe. I don't know, I didn't feel judgment from her, and I felt like uh here's somebody that I and we were doing it like other people probably could have seen us because we weren't exactly like going off and hiding it, you know, but we were being real sly about it and quick, you know. And that's why I think like that that part of me was desperately, I think, wanting to get caught and just like, can we end this masquerade that I'm trying so hard to hold up? Can we just like catch Marvin red-handed, pinching this girl's ass backstage? Because the truth is, is he desperately wants to be seen, even though he's trying really, really hard to hide it. So yeah, and it's taken me a long time, but I mean I'm finally kind of coming around to an integration of my spirituality and my sexuality and how they harmonize. And I had to go through so much really hard stuff to get to that.

SPEAKER_03 58:44

Sex and sexuality, it can it is so spiritual, like at the same time, too. So the fact that like people keep them so separate sometimes is like I don't know, I can see I can see the ties between like spirituality and okay, I'm just gonna give you another this is the this is the part for filthy secrets, right? So sometimes, like, because when you're fucking or having sex or making love or whatever you want to call it, I think there is a difference between those two. But anyway, when you are doing that, you are having a soul connection with that other person or other people, if there's if it's more than one, right? And like I've had some crazy experiences with my husband because like I've um since I've awoken to like my spirituality and stuff, I've awoken to it like on a way deeper level after meeting my husband. Like I've always been in tune with it, but it's like I've grown more because I'm older and whatever. Anyway, so when we're making love sometimes like I don't know why I keep wanting to call it fucking, because it's more making love at that point. I have connected to past lives with him, and like our souls connect in that energy, and all of a sudden I'm getting the energy of where we were couples in past lives, and it makes like sex so much better because now you're not only pulling from the connection that you have now, you're pulling from that soul connection from like way back, and it it it's crazy, it's a crazy experience. Like all these visuals and shit as well. Like, I I don't know, it depends on how developed you are with your gifts and stuff, too, I guess. But like I see, I get visions type things too, right? So, like I get like all of these pictures and feelings, and like I'm just having this whole psychic explosion.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:24

That's that's amazing. Uh, although I haven't experienced this yet in sex where it's like visual kind of stuff, but that would be super cool. Like, I'm kind of like, yeah, let's do that soon.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:35

I think everybody has the ability of of using those gifts, it's just whether they're tuned to them or not. Like, we're all freaking magical. It's just whether we plug into that. And also, we do have like I know mine first started with feelings, and like I get the feelings, the knowings, and like I feel energy. That was the first thing I felt with my husband. Because I used to do this thing where when I was having sex with someone, I would shoot my energy, and like I did I've done this for a long time, way before I I met my husband, even I would shoot my energy into their body, and then I would pull their energy back out into my body, and that created that like soul connection type thing, right? And then I would just sit there and I've the entire time it was happening, I would keep that energy like filtering through. The first time I did that with my husband, all like I was used to, you know, shoot it in, pull their energy out, and then then the rotation. But what happened is I shot it at him and immediately he shot his at me and it just like plugged in. I'm like, oh shit, like that was like the first time I ever experienced something like that, right? So that's why, yeah, he he's different, he's different for sure than anybody from the past.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:44

That's awesome, very cool. I love, I love that you've been sitting here with your leg up. There was a shame that I felt the way that I observed women being like, oh, you should keep your legs crossed, you should keep your legs together, you should, you know, all that kind of thing. That narrative, the way I experienced it was all of my fascination with the vagina and the magic therein. I feel now ashamed of it because we're all hearing this story that the vagina is something that should be like a locked away and covered up. And so throughout my life, whenever I've been around a woman who is like just open in their body, it so soothes my soul because I'm just like, you know, there's tremendous magic in the vagina. And so, I mean, as you've been sitting here, I mean, this is not a video experience for y'all, but listeners know me's just been very comfortably had her leg kind of spread to the right.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:44

My foot up on the seat of my chair, and I am very fucking comfortable, and I love it. And actually, it's interesting that you say that because I was be having to wear skirts growing up all the time. It was like, cross your legs, make sure you keep your legs crossed. Now I'm just like, no, I'm not comfortable with my legs crossed. I want my foot on the pump on the like on my chair with my knee up, exactly like it is, and I'm like, you don't like it, don't fucking look.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:11

Yeah, yay, yay for being comfortable and your body just open and free. I mean, not really that different, I don't think, than like what I went through being at the retreat and having my whole hang up about you know my genitals and um the like the shame around we just we're we're at the work of peeling back layers of shame around our genitals and everything that that entails and all the narratives about it. So I love that you're doing that as we're talking.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:42

So happy that I'm making you happy.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:44

Yes, yay. Well, um thank you so much for having this combo with me. Yeah, thanks for bringing off yourself.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:55

I also want a scandalous cartoon, Marvin. I want you to draw me a scandalous cartoon too.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:00

Oh, okay, absolutely. I'll have to see if I can reproduce that. It was it was, you know, I thought I was being clever at the time, but um, you know, I just didn't count on it that fellow student was gonna out me in class. Uh yeah. I did, I mean, you know, being in my 50s, I mean, this was really pre-internet, right? So like I didn't have access to any visual stimuli really. I mean, I especially before I could drive. So I would draw you know these like scandalous pictures. Even I would say into college I was doing that. I was I was in my room with the little door closed, and I would be like, you know, huddled over pen and paper and or pencil and sketching out naked people and sketching your own porn. Uh-huh. That's pretty much what I was doing. I was like creating my own porn. And and you know, the funny thing is I had seen so little actual nakedness at that point in my life because it was just that sheltered. But I had imagination.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:05

So they have square nipples.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:08

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. It was probably not all that accurate, but it it was just the best that I could come up with. So tell folks about your magical container that you're creating for polyamorous.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:23

Polyamorous souls. That is exactly what it's for. It's a paid monthly membership. It is called the Empowered Polyamorous Portal, and it is for exactly like you said, polyamorous souls. I offer intuitive mentorship, energy healing, soulful support on their polyamorous journey to like really release um restrictive conditioning so that they can feel fully liberated in their truth of who they are. So like it's very personal and meets people like where they're at because everybody's different. Nobody's journey is the same, right? So I've I've created the space to for people to come in and just be supported navigating exactly what they're going through, whether that be, you know, shame, guilt, fear of judgment, or like we talk about all polyamorous things, like boundaries, communication, all of those things in there. So I'd love to invite who's listening that's like, hmm, that's awesome. I think he said he's gonna put the link in the show notes so you can check it out.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:17

Yes, yes, link will be in the show notes if you're curious to check it out.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:21

And um yeah, and then also if listeners want to um follow me on Facebook, admin is friend, or Instagram, those will also be in the show notes as well. And I share lots of free resources and stuff there. I'm creating some free meditations right now.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:35

That's fun. Cool. Yeah, Naomi dropped some really amazing stuff on her social media, just uh the she's very articulate. You're uh just as you're expressing the thoughts that you're having about being a polyamorous person and talking to that. I mean, I I find everything that you write about that to be to be um I mean it resonates, but it's also just extremely well expressed, I feel. So you have a real gift for that. So yeah, check out Naomi for sure.

Marvin aka Morgan Hale 1:07:05

Thanks for listening to Filthy Little Secrets. I hope we left you feeling light, free, and inspired to explore your filthy sexual horizons. If you want more, subscribe to get all the filthy feature funds. If you're a sex positive woman and like to burn another broad chain, I want to talk to you. Wanna come on the show and tell your story? Go to MorganhaleBooks.com slash podcast to learn more. That's M O R A N H A L Books dot com slash podcast. Until next time, this is Morgan Hale and healthy.