SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome to Filthy Little Secrets, the show where real everyday women get real about sex. We're here to shatter stigma and trample taboo one candid conversation at a time. My name's Marvin, but my readers know me as Morgan Hale, filthy romance author. And I'm your host for this heart-to-heart chat about something most of us think about, dream about, and even yearn for. But few of us feel comfortable admitting it, talking about it, or celebrating it. So let's get filthy together. Alright, everyone, I'm excited to introduce you to someone who's just magical. My first experiences of this person was her dance videos that she posts on social media, and every single one of them for me was just like she's just this explosive embodiment of joy in her movement, and it's like it was contagious for me because I felt it and I could see just with her students that it is contagious for them too, and it's like this just coherence of this joy in the movement that they're all in it. I love those videos, they're magical to me. And so when I put a call out that I was gonna be doing this podcast talking about sex, and she raised her hand, I was so excited that she wanted to be a part of this because I just think she's a light, and I'm grateful that she's bringing that here. So welcome, Anastasia.

SPEAKER_02 1:28

Thank you so much. What a great introduction, and my heart is so open to you.

SPEAKER_04 1:33

So thank you. Thank you for coming here. So when you said that you would be up for this conversation, one of the things you mentioned is that there was a sexual movement that you accidentally started in your panel, which sounds like a great story. We definitely need to talk about that. But like aside from that, was there anything that just made your heart be like, yes, I want to be part of this conversation?

SPEAKER_02 1:58

Ooh. I feel like all conversations around this very topic are very precious, very priceless, and I do believe they start movement in other people. So when I saw what you were doing and thought, well, that makes sense with me too, right? I felt like it was a yes right away. And I haven't talked about any of this in a while, and we can get into that too, but I thought I can hold different versions of myself at the same time. That's really where I'm at. So, right, I feel like for me, talking with you right now is an expansive in my own experience conversation because I haven't talked about it in a long time. I have my own thoughts and feelings around sex and sexuality that's different than it was a few years ago, which is different than it was a few years before that. So it's ever evolving. And I think that this feels like safe space for me to explore the topic, you know, once again, and see how I feel about it. And I'm excited to hear what I even what you even like, what we both come up with in this conversation.

SPEAKER_04 3:04

So that's where I'm at. I love your openness. Your answer to that sort of feels like the way that you move, it's just so fluid and beautiful and graceful, and you're just like open to the flow. And I think it shows in the way that you move and you're dancing. So it's really neat. You're like your embodied flow. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

I receive that, sir. That word has shown up for me multiple times over the past probably two weeks. Just, you know, whether it's uh students' parents or a friend, or just seeing the word or hearing the word just keeps coming back up. And to me, it's like I feel seen because so much of my life is in the flow now with purpose versus it used to be really in the flow, not so much, either purpose or support in the flow. So now I feel a lot different, and it feels so good to be like, oh, you see me, you see me, you see how I do this, and it's not wrong. Thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 4:05

Yeah, you said something really juicy right there about and it's not wrong. I I resonate with that because feeling wrong about things about me that were authentic. That's a lifelong funy that I've been unwrapping for myself.

SPEAKER_02 4:19

So yeah, same.

SPEAKER_04 4:21

And we'll continue. And I kind of now feel like, I mean, at this point, like I'm 52 years old, and I feel like I came here to do this. I feel like my life was like a chose stand-up for you know, a journey of unraveling that for some bigger cosmic purpose that I don't necessarily understand, but anyway, we're doing it.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Yeah, we're doing it for sure.

SPEAKER_04 4:44

And this is part of it. So it's interesting you were talking about different chapters of your life and your sexuality. How how did your sexuality first start to surface for you?

SPEAKER_02 4:55

First start to surface for me that I was aware of or first because I believe that sex was brought into my life early childhood in a way that my brain still won't unlock for me. So I've had a lot of healing, and by healing, when I use the word healing, I don't know how other people use it, but I use it in the terms of like the perspective of shift, whether it's a small shift in my perspective or a large swinging door shift in my perspective. So it's still not completely unlocked, but there's a lot of things that I have seen and dealt with and downloaded over the past, you know, I've been in therapy now for seven years. So yeah, since probably since then when I actually actively was like, let me look at my life and let me peel back the layers of my own journey and my own self and the way that I do things and the way that I feel things. So that definitely has come up through there. That was when I was young. So I've always been very, very sexual since I was a child, which brought a lot of shame in like elementary school and middle school because I didn't understand, nor did I have a space that felt open and available for me to go to someone and be like, what is going on with my body? Why do I feel these feelings? Why do I feel so turned on? What's happening? And that's just been there, I would say, in that channel, that sexual channel, needing to like self-satisfy or um just trying to find sex and however I could. It it the way that I'm saying it right now makes it sound like I couldn't do anything else besides that. And maybe it doesn't, maybe it's just my lens of that. And I would say for a while, that's what relationships were made up of for me too. So that was, I mean, over half of my life, I would say I I looked, um, I started things off with sex. I I used sex to get where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do and that stuff, even though at the time I wouldn't have been able to tell you that, you know, I would have been like, no, I'm just doing what everybody else does. But I see now looking back on young me, just like, oh, you know, so now it it actually has very much helped me because I work with so many adults and children now that I am such a solid nest for the birds to fly home to, of like, hey, I just have questions, you know, and I'm like, here's how I can interpret it, here's what's happening, because I feel like it's all energy. And my energy was um, I try not to pull in right and wrong in this in into my thoughts, right? Because there's so much judgment there, and uh nobody judges me like me, you know, like I am the one that can tear my shit up the most, you know, and or love myself the hardest. So yeah, it's been a lifelong thing. And over the past, I would say six years, it kind of shifted into who I am now, which is where I'm at now, and then it will probably shift again, you know. Maybe this is the open door for that shift. Who knows? I'm open to it.

SPEAKER_04 7:57

So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:58

So yeah, it started young and it's maintained.

SPEAKER_04 8:02

Yeah, well, that's beautiful. I'm really grateful that you're bringing this forward because I'm convinced, I'm so convinced that there are many people and many women who that's true for, but it's not something that you know I think understandably because society is so sex negative towards women, I think in particular.

unknown 8:24

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 8:25

I think it could be scary for a woman to bring that forward and be like, hey, I've been a really sexual person from a very early age. But I mean, I but there have been brave women in my life who have witnessed who have said that. And every time I just feel like, oh god, how many more people are there that needed to hear her say that? And who that's their story, but it's just like closeted because there's so much societal pressure that says, you know, there's something wrong if that's how you you know, so thank you for standing in that truth.

SPEAKER_02 8:58

Absolutely. Well, shame is interwoven into our society at such a young age. There's so many different avenues. I mean, it's it's literally at all times. So that's where I can now have the ability to stand back and be like, does that feel like shame to me? Because if it feels like shame to me, you know, I I don't accept that at this point. And I certainly don't want to put that on anybody else. That's not for me to do, you know, they'll experience it everywhere else. I can be the one that's like, actually, we don't have to feel shame about that.

SPEAKER_04 9:27

Yeah, yeah. Oh my god, I love that so much. I feel like there's so much power in what you just said. Like it's just as you were talking, and I'm just sitting there listening to it, it's almost like I feel this divinity and angels and all that just feeling, yes, come on. Just very, very celebrating of it. I love it. Love it. So when you think about your sexuality now, what do you love about it?

SPEAKER_02 9:53

Oh, okay. This is a fun one because for me right now, this full disclosure, um, I haven't been sexually active in a long time. And that has been very purposeful and not in a sense of like, I'm like, no, no, that's not it at all. I have probably in the past two years, not even, it's not even on the forefront of my thoughts because I understand the way that I understand my energy is my sexual energy is my creative energy. And my creative energy has flourished in a totally different way. So I'm focused my attention and intention on where it's flourishing right now. A lot of creative energy. I'm still in the flow. I'm also a single mom, an entrepreneur, have my own businesses, all the things. So there's life, and then there's the creative part of it, which I actually bank off of because that's what my business is. It's called the creative movement. And and I work with creative energy with tons of people at a time. So it's really been focused around there. And I feel like because I've allowed myself this space to meet me in a new way and my creative energy in a new way, it has changed my perspective on being intimate with people and it's changed my perspective on physically close with people. And it's not an instant gratification game that I'm playing anymore, where it really, really was. I was trying to feel something. And I feel like I really was trying to find myself again in my body. And that's why I always did what I did to come home. Because I think when you're a child and you experience something, and it's not just the one thing, I mean, many things, you know, you have this split consciousness that happens where you have to dissociate or leave your body for a little bit to get through, you know. So I think that that happens so much in my childhood and early adulthood, even that I've now consciously coming back home. I'm consciously coming back home. I could feel it, I could feel when I start to pull away. And I'm like, well, there we go. And I can stay there and hold it and look through it and be the observer now versus just finding something to bring me back home again. So it has very much changed over the past couple of years. And I'm not saying I'm like I said, I'm not gonna say that I've stayed, I'm gonna stay here forever. I I do find that when I speak with people about the word intimacy, often they think of it as a sexual way. And I'm now viewing it as this very much like into me, I see, right? Like the person that is in front of me shows me me and shows me, you know, who I am and what I want and how I feel, and what do I feel? And so I feel it's a lot different than it used to be. And I'm very pleased, I'm very pleased with it. And I do look forward to having interaction with multiple people that that feel like, oh, having sense, you know. Very cool. Mm-hmm. It's big, but I will tell you about what happened a couple years ago because that was an accident. That was a like I did not understand the bigness of the thing that I was doing, and it turned really beautiful. So if you want me to tell you, I will.

SPEAKER_04 13:14

Yes, please do tell the story.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

Okay, okay, okay, okay. So I was really doing a lot of like self-love, self-stretching, like stretching, putting myself into new situations and things that I didn't normally do. So I remember waking up this morning and I'm by myself for the whole day, and I usually don't have a lot, like a whole day by myself. And I was like, what am I gonna do? So I got into the shower, and I just remember being in the shower and I'm being like, I'm so sexy, I'm so beautiful, I am so free, just like all these affirmations and like yelling in my shower, which is not, I don't normally do that. So I just remember that, like starting the day off like that. And then I ended up going down to I live near a resort beach town. So I went down to the beach for the day and I ended up staying, or not staying, I wasn't staying in the hotel yet. I was um visiting a hotel. So it was open to the public and boats could ride up and stuff like that. So once I got down there and I kind of posted up in my spot and I was there, I stayed all day. I got myself a drink, I did some writing. It was just like me time. And this would probably be the first time that I realized in my life that when I go take solo adventures, epic shit always happens.

SPEAKER_01 14:26

Like always.

SPEAKER_02 14:28

So I I didn't realize that until this day this started it. So while we're there, there are planes flying overhead. And I forgot that in my city, that would be um, they call it the air show. So it was the air show weekends, a big deal. So a lot of people come into the city, and so something told me to stay. It was like, stay, just stay here for a little while. And I was like, okay. And then I stayed for a couple hours more. I fell asleep by the pool. I mean, it was just an epic day. And then I went to go to the outside bar tender to pay my tab. And when I walked up, I was like, is there somebody staying here? And he goes, Yes, there are. There are multiple airmen and something else, uh, paratroopers. And I was like, Okay. And then it was like, stay. And I was like, okay. So then I went and sat back down, and like literally five minutes later, this whole group of very gorgeous men in uniform walk out over to the bar. And I was like, and then immediately one was like and like turned around and saw me, and I saw him, and it was just like this this like really hot connection between the two of us, and I was like, What is happening? So I ended up walking inside the building to go to the restroom and be like, this is so fun. And then ended up running into him in the hall, and it was just an immediate connection and very, very high sexual energy between the two of us. And I was, you know, thinking, I am open and available to whatever happens today. And I had said that to myself before I left the house. So I ended up inviting him over, I think. And he sat next to me and we ended up sitting for a couple hours. He was supposed to go out to like a club with all of them that night. And and he was like, Do you want to come? And I was like, Heck yeah, I want to come. That sounds great. And I said, But before I can't go anywhere, I don't have any clothes. And I was like, I'm gonna take myself shopping. So I took myself shopping and I left, and he was like, Okay, well, come back to the hotel room, come back to the hotel room when you're finished. And I was like, Okay, so I went, bought a whole bunch of stuff, told all these women in the store what's going on. Everyone is just like adding to my energy of excitement of like, oh my gosh, sexy men, you know, and like an adventure, what's gonna happen? We don't know. And I went back to the hotel and then I went into his hotel room, and then he was like, You can take a shower while you're here. And I was like, Oh my god, thank you. And then I got out of the shower and then I was like, I'm gonna play dress up. So I put on one outfit and then I walked out and I was like, What do you think of this one? And he was like, I love it. And then I'm like, Okay, well, hold on. And then I go back and put on another one. I'm like, What do you think about this one? He's like, Oh my god, I love it. And like, so it's like this like building and building and building. And finally, I put on the outfit that I decided I wanted to wear, and then we never made it past the door. It never never left. So it ended up being this super sexy night, and it had something that I was craving for a really long time, and it was like, oh god, amazing, amazing night. So I did not leave there until the next morning and felt so turned on and lit up by what had happened. So that I couldn't, you know, like I couldn't shut up about it, you know, like tell you, call my friends and I'm like, and I'm posted in my stories, and I'm like, you guys, I just had so much fun. Um, I can't wait to tell you about my epic night. Well, what I started to do, I didn't realize, was set up for this story. So people started like, you know, writing me back, or they're like, dude, you know, call in or text and like what kind of night did you have? Like, I could see that you're lit up. And I'm like, mm-hmm. So I started writing about everything that I just told you, but I started writing as in like I was writing parts of a book. And in nowhere in there, I did a four-part series, unintentional. I was just like, Do you want to hear more? At the end of it, and they're like, Yes, you know, and I'm like, okay, good. And then at the top of it, I would write, This is for my ladies only, no man allowed, right? Which is like all dudes are like, Yeah, I really gotta read it because this is what he's talking about. And then I wouldn't tell anybody where I went. I wouldn't, I didn't give names, I just alluded to things. So people started making up these stories in their own minds and like elaborating in the in the writing. And I was like to the tiny detail of what it felt like when he pushed me up against the door and and pulled my leg up around his waist and how it felt. And and then, and that was it. That was the end of the story. I never went into the sex part, which is the part that's the best part, but I never wrote about it, and I didn't need to because what happened was everyone's like my DMs exploded, my people in town. When I would go to my town, not the town where this happened, but my town, as soon as I would walk in, they're like, Oh my god, it's you, and then you know, start talking about it. Like, where'd you go? What happened? What's happening next? You know, and all of a sudden they're like, I am hooked on this story, and it was so great. And then of course there was backlash too. We'll get to that in a second, but um, I didn't I didn't know what to do. And so I just opened up a private group and I was like, okay, like if you want to hear more, because there was more stories that summer that I could write about. If you want to hear more, come into my private group. And then it was like, boom, I had 200 and some ladies in there that were like, let's go, you know, which then turned into more story time. It turned into like videos of me riding my bike with no pants on, just because like fuck it, I can. And um, you know, and and these women just would start posting photos of themselves. I mean, women that I've known for a long time who have, you know, or want to have that my life is put together, this is who I am, you know. I just no shame, right? Uh they want to have no shame, but they hide because there would be shame if they were to be real with how they felt. So um I just it was so epic. I ended up dating somebody right after that for a little bit. We went to uh an event together, like a chamber of commerce. So it's like all the you know, big business people in my community, and then I'm there with this guy. And one of the ladies that was in my group walked up to the man that I was with and was like, She's starting a revolution talking about me. Do you think you can handle her? And he was like, What?

SPEAKER_04 20:24

Like he just looked so caught off guard, like uh and I was too because I was like, Whoa, yeah, I didn't mean to, but I wasn't I didn't know I was starting a revelation, right?

SPEAKER_02 20:35

Right, I didn't know that at all. So that was like a for her to even say that felt really vulnerable and open, and it opened my heart even more. And I was like, Man, dude, this is this is epic stuff, you know. And so I think it started to backlash, and I started to realize that I was having a hard time holding all my identities at once, right? So here I am over here. I'm a children's um movement teacher. I teach dance, I'm a mom, you know, I'm an ex, I'm uh this and that. And then now a sexually liberated woman was in the forefront, and it was hard for me to hold all of that at the same time without me thinking that people were judging my character or how I would work with people based off of this information that I was sharing, which again was like written like a book and not like, you know, you guys, I had sex last night. Like it wasn't like that. So I got multiple backlashes from women who were like, I can't believe she's online talking like 50 shades of gray and and stuff like that. And I did hear it from specific people, which later turned out to be funny because like one of them was having an affair and the other one was you know, unhappy. And so it was just like, oh, okay, that's why I was just an easy target at the time. But then also the shame of like the situations that they were probably into and the fact that my bright light is like calling out the you know, you can do this kind of deal. Anyway, so I shut it down. It was like it was a couple months later, but I shut it down. I just stopped doing it because I was like, I don't know how to do this anymore. I could hold it for like like the summertime, you know. And I always joke and I'm like, Summer Stacey's coming out when Summer Stacey comes out. You know, like this is a whole nother ballgame where, you know, like people get pissed when Summer Stacey comes out because I'm I'm being my true self when that version of me comes forward and they're like, we don't like it, or they're like, we love it.

SPEAKER_01 22:26

Yay, summer's here.

SPEAKER_02 22:28

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I'm like, yeah, we get to be like half naked all the time. And I would rather be, I would rather be half naked on a day-to-day and not have to wear, you know, clothes. And it just feels so much better to feel so free. So I'm always felt like a warm weather person when it comes to that. And that's part partly why I even tried to move to an even warmer weather climate, just so I could be scantily clad as much as possible because I felt that my sexual liberation would come back again, which is a hard, and I'm gonna I'm gonna be honest right now, very honest with this. It is a hard identity to hold when you're also raising a 13-year-old boy. So having that, like these boundaries and these open conversations with my son of like his perspective versus my perspective versus society's perspective, or in collaboration of all three, and answering questions and and trying to respect each other's faces and still be you're you and I'm me, and we have our lives, and we also represent, you know, one another and our business, you know, by my business. So it's a lot, it's a lot to it's a lot to grasp.

SPEAKER_04 23:44

So yeah, I feel that. I mean, I don't know if this is exactly what you're going through, but I have a 17-year-old. He's a senior in high school, and he attends a very conservative private school. And everything that I'm about when it comes to sexual liberation is I mean, I feel like it's a it's a line that I'm struggling to walk, you know, because I want to be authentic and I also don't want horrible things to happen for him in his senior year in high school. He's I think a more conservative person than I and I was when I was his age. I was extremely conservat. I I was split because I was publicly I was desperately trying to be this really asexual person, but I was a very sexual person and just had a lot of shame about it. And so that was all in shadow and darkness. And and anybody that I went to like grade school and high school with, uh, at some point this is all gonna reach their ears and eyes, and they're all gonna I mean, I think a lot of them are gonna be like, What? Because because I mean who I presented to the world and who I was trying so desperately to be was this I thought sexuality was shameful and I was trying so hard to be not that. And so yeah, being a parent to someone who is going through that period in their life and I chose to I mean his mom and I chose to put him in a a conservative school with you know values that resemble very much what I was espousing when I was his age. So I don't know how much of that is at all like what you're going through.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

Yeah, I would say it's pretty accurate. I think everything's set up now for the children too, it seems like when it comes to social media is to like push sex in from what from my observation, there's not a lot of emphasis on connecting and learning about this person. And this can be a really beautiful thing when given the time and the the uh ability to go into depth with someone and have hard conversations. And even now, like I look at because I still go out and go dancing, that's one of my favorite things to do, and it's it's a moment or a time that I don't have to be in charge of the dancing that happens in the like I'm always in charge of the dance or always in charge of the movement. So if I go out to a club or something like that dancing, that's me time. But what I've started to do over the past couple years is observe people while they're out there, and we're such a disconnected society, so disconnected from our bodies that we don't know how to connect to other people's bodies. So even now, when I look at the like the younger, you know, I'm 42, so I was half that. So like 21, 25, 28 year olds, they don't know how to dance, they don't know how to let go and get out of their heads and into their bodies and move. And they want to have sex because they're like trying to figure out how to get some feeling in there somehow. Maybe this is how I'm supposed to connect.

SPEAKER_04 26:34

Is there an intersection for you between your love affair with dance and your sexuality?

SPEAKER_02 26:41

Probably. And I think that's something that I've been for years trying to get to. There's women that I follow online that are so open with their dancing and their sexuality around with dancing, the two of them hand in hand. And as far as publicly, I have only here and there tapped into that. It's not been a full, like, whoo, you know, here I am. Dancing is the deepest intimacy that I've found on my own with myself, you know. So taking sex with another person out of it is so important and yet at the same time very playful and very, you know, the word flow comes back again and very exploratory. And I think it's ever evolving in how I move. And it's because even though I've been a dancer my whole life, dance the way that I offer and the way that I do it now has only been, you know, the past four years probably of this like very intimate movement. And this is like, I don't know how this would be interpreted, but it doesn't matter. I feel if you see me move, if you see me dance, if I'm dancing and you get to be there to see that, you have seen very deep, vulnerable parts of me, very deep. And so almost like, oh no, you might have seen too much. So there's still a little bit of maybe shame, maybe a block, maybe this, maybe that, because one of my deepest desires is to be seen by someone or by everyone, who knows, by someone in particular, by everybody, I'm not sure, but to be seen. So so yes, and yet I still get very shy. Like if I were to be in front of a man or somebody that I was very attracted to or my heart was open to, and they would ask me to dance, I would have to be like, you know, uh oh, that makes me I could feel that in my body, how it's just like, oh, that feels, you know, there there might be shame there because if that shyness shows up first, who knows? So it's something to explore, and um, I am willing to do it, you know. I am willing to do it. It does it doesn't it, I think it kind of the equivalent of like how everybody else feels about dancing in general, you know, like a lot of people are like, I want to, but I'm scared, but I don't or I don't know how to move, or I don't know how to I'm horrible at it. People always say I'm so bad at it. And I'm like, chances are you're not, chances are you're not bad at all. But you just stop yourself because you're in here. So let's come back into the body. So if I could just remind myself and that in an intimate space of, and that's what we're trying to do, is have sex or be sexual, then I would have to that would be a next level for me. That's like a that's like a me come back and talk to you again after it happens kind of conversation.

SPEAKER_04 29:33

Put it on the that's right, it's that conversation part two.

SPEAKER_00 29:39

Yes, yes.

SPEAKER_04 29:41

Uh so cool. Yeah, I mean, you know, dance is something that I love too. And I mean, there's been times in my life where I felt free and liberated and just danced. Oddly, it was in high school, like when I was in high school, I remember going to school dances, and I don't know what I was doing, but I was dancing my ass off, and I was like sweating like my shirt would be stuck to my body, I'd sweat so much, and people were like, damn, Marvin. And then, like, at some point I did let shame take over, and I started to judge myself in social situations where there was dancing. And if I got out on the dance floor, which I would try to do because I was like, I love dance, but then I would get out there and I could just immediately feel this like me projecting all this shame into what I thought everybody else was thinking about me. Yes, and then making that embodying that and moving instead of just moving in a flow, you know, more moving in judgment and really hating the experience, you know, because it's like this is awful, I hate this. So, yeah, relatable, yeah. Even and the weird thing is like, even sometimes when I try to dance by myself, I will still sometimes bring in judgment around. Well, if I was doing this in front of people, you know.

SPEAKER_02 31:02

Yeah, I do. I have it too. Uh yeah, I understand it, I really, really do. I I have as well. It's amazing what the brain can rem remember when it comes to trying to protect you. I understand that that's what that is, is like it's just trying to protect you so that you don't feel the feelings anymore. But it's like, man, we know at this point that we got to go through the feelings in order to not feel it the feelings anymore. But I've I've definitely been out there, been by myself, you know, on the dance floor. And now it's it's weirder too, because there's the compacted, pre-conceived notion that I'm the one to start the party. So, like, oh well, she'll do it because she's here. And I'm like, What? I don't uh that's not I'm not getting paid for this, you know, like you know, so there's a little bit of that too, which kind of doesn't feel good to my. I I always think of that version of me as my inner child. I don't know if you use that verbiage, but yeah, yeah, when my inner child feel feels put on the spot or feels she freaks out. So it's really in that moment. Now I've gotten a lot better about it though. Like, hey, babe, like talking to myself, like hey babe, like it's okay. I can see, I can see what's happening. I think every year in my business, I come up with or my higher self comes up with these new bigger projects, bigger things that push me out of my comfort zone. And so I kind of bring her back to the surface again. I think it's intentional, but I don't know if I've always noticed it. But I'm like, I'm doing it again, and it requires me to be in the next version of myself, the next here we go, version of myself that's terrified to do the things. And I do it because oh, nobody doing it but me, you know, no one's gonna get nasty but me. So, and no one's gonna teach me better than me. I have great role models in different areas of my life, but when it comes to what I do, there is nobody in front of me on my path. So I'm alone here, and that's scary and hard. And also because I see that and I understand that, and I embody that I can go to the children, or I can go to my own child, or I can go to other adults and be like, hey, same thing. Nobody's in front of you in your path. Like you, you're doing hard shit. Let's do it, you know. I got you. I'm over here. So then it takes people like yourself who is like hearing from the side, that then I feel like I'm seen and I'm heard, and then I feel like confident even more every time because it's like, yeah, you know, yeah. Because that because the the bigger version of me or the the larger one or the higher one, or however you want to say that, is all about this, you know, is about that forward movement, is about being bigger and being seen and being accepted, because I am truly, truly, truly living my life through love every day. I'm not I'm not out here to hurt, not a fly.

unknown 33:49

Right.

SPEAKER_02 33:50

Not a fly, literally. So if I can come back to the fact that no matter what I'm doing, as always coming from love first and foremost, then I'm doing okay, you know, I'm doing all right.

SPEAKER_04 34:00

I love it. Because honestly, when I was like posting on your videos and and you were expression, you know, you were kind of expressing appreciation. I guess I just thought that like probably like you would hear that all the time, and it would be so common for you and you would be so used to it, you know. Because to me, it's just I mean, what you do, it's magical and it's so high vibration, and it it's just so uplifting. I mean, there's very few things in my feed that are more you know, I love when when one of your videos, like when I'm scrolling, and it's like, oh I hear so yeah. It is, it's very powerful. Thank you. And and a playful so I hope you get all of the desire to be seen fulfilled, and that lots of people see you and see your magic and yeah. And uh so I guess the thing that I'm wondering is I feel like the answer to this is you're just you're so open to whatever is gonna be, but like when you think about like your future and your sexuality and your sexual expression, and you came to this conversation, like, okay, I've been in this period of I'm channeling all my creative energy and all these other ways. Is there a future with your sexuality that you're like that's what my heart longs for?

SPEAKER_02 35:21

Yes, very much so, very much so. Yeah, whether it's with one person or multiple people, I want to have a very, very fulfilling sexual experience, life, like you know, time. I want my life to be set up so that I can make time and space for that part of my life. I feel like that hasn't so much been there, like I said, because I've been focusing elsewhere. And part of that I think is also it's easier to focus it there versus focusing it here. I am particular about the energy that I bring into my world. So that just hasn't come up yet. But if that were to walk in today, I would be like, yes, you know, like that's a that's a solid yes for me. It has walked in before, and they're all very secretive, which is also very fun part of it too, because I don't have to share everything, right? So I've had a couple partners in the past that have been so incredible and so sexually satisfying and so heartfelt in our physical connection, in it in our emotional connection and things of the past and just times where it didn't, it wasn't supposed to go any further than that. And that's just what it was. And I do think back about that and be like, man, so good, right? So I have a place to pull from. I'm not a big porn watcher at all, actually. It's not, I'm not even like a porn watcher at all, and I have nothing against it by any means. I just prefer to pull from my own vault, if you will. And I love that I have such great material to pull from, and I have such great experiences to pull from too. Like, I'll tell you, there's another experience that I had when I went to Miami by myself. I ended up, I had a huge healing that night. The first night I flew and I was exhausted, and I got to my hotel room and it was a shithole. And I was like, oh my god, what am I doing? And I realized that grief came up when I got there because I was in a place where I had told someone years ago that I would meet them, a man. We had like a 15-year connection of just sex, but we didn't have sex, we just had that sexual connection. So it was, and that was a long time to be sitting, you know, like building up for a long time. And then we ended up, we did end up connecting and having sex a few times, and then I just realized how unhealthy, like overall arching, it was just like, no, I'm not gonna do this anymore. I need this to be gone because it's like old energy just kind of dangling out there that I needed to clean up. So that was one of the things I so I had cut it off, and then now I'm in this place where I was supposed to meet that person, and I was really grieved the part of me that really still wanted to have that connection with that person, and I was just all jacked up all night, like, oh, like big sobs. And then I I kind of told myself, like, I'll stay in my hotel room today. Tomorrow is the big event. So tomorrow I'll get up and get ready and go. And then I ended up taking a shower and then I took a nap, and then I woke up and then I was like, Well, I'll just put on some makeup and then I'll go. And then I was like, Well, I'll just put on a cute outfit and then I'll go. And I was like, Well, why not just drive around? So I drove around, then I ended up in South Beach, whatever I'd never been there, and then I was like, Well, now I'm playing this game, right, with myself or my higher self or the universe. So I'm like, if I find a parking spot, I'll pull over. And it was like, BAM, there it is. And I was like, I'll kid. I was like, pulled over. And then I'm like, if I hear hip hop music, I'm gonna go to that place. And it was like, bam, there it is, right there. And I was like, okay. So I walked in, I was in this outdoor club. It was so fun, so much fun. Found these two men, super, super cute. One was super sexy, one was super cute. The super cute one was the one that was interested. Super sexy one was like ready to go. And I was like, both deuces to both of you. And then up, they left. I went out to the dance floor by myself because I'm on this trip by myself, and I turn around at one point, and there's this huge, huge bald man coming at me with his arms like this. And he just comes and he comes and picks me up and spins me around. And I am like, I feel like I'm, you know, five. And I'm like, like just being spun by this random man. I don't know what's going on. Not one part of me. I feel like some women would have in this moment, like, oh, you should be scared, like a stranger. I don't, I didn't have that. And then he ended up just dancing with me for a long time that night. And then the more we danced, the more it was like, wow, this connection's here. Wow, wow. And he was just not a great dancer, but he was all in, and it was like, oh man, that's not something that happens a lot in my world that a man will feel confident enough to come over and for hours, you know. And so finally we ended up, um, he was there with a group of guys, and he told guys, he was like, Um, you all can continue your night. I'm staying here with her. And his best friend was really apprehensive about me and was like kind of he was like staring at me from across the floor. He was not impressed with me at all. And I was like, What's wrong with your friend? Because I'm thinking, like, we're I'm having so much fun. And also, if this doesn't go anywhere, I am so good with that. Like, I am so good. I'm just impressed that I made it out to this part of the evening. So the fact that this is happening is so great. And so finally his his best friend came over and was like, We're taking him with us. And I was like, Okay. And for some reason, my answer of okay caught him off guard, and he was like, Okay. And I was like, Yeah, okay. He goes, You're okay with him leaving. And I was like, Yes, if he leaves, I'm gonna turn around and find somebody else to dance with. And he was like, Oh, and somehow that changed the whole night. It's like he was like, Okay, bye, and like left and they left, and then he stayed, and then we went back to my I had a rental car. This is the part that I've never told anybody before. And we didn't have sex. He reached into my pants and he got me off eight times in a row, eight times in a row, outside in the parking garage.

SPEAKER_01 41:15

And I'm like, what?

SPEAKER_02 41:16

And I'm looking at South Beach, right? And I'm just like, another orgasm, another orgasm, and I'm like, right?

SPEAKER_01 41:25

Like, this is crazy.

SPEAKER_02 41:28

How did I do this? I have no idea, but whatever part needed to be let go of with that other man, you know, which also would cause the same things for my body to happen. Ugh, then here's this man who feels so much better, who's the boundaries are so much more clear. I'm not planning on seeing this man ever again. And I just feel so safe and protected in his space. And then, you know, we went back to my scary hotel room, which ended up being just like funny and laughs because he's like, This looks like what's that, the shining? And I'm like, It really does. It's very scary. And then we ended up having sex all night and woke up in the morning, and then he was like, Oh my god, you know, and he had taken pictures, or he had his best friend take pictures of us on on his phone. And I said, Send me those photos and then delete them from your phone. And he was like, Oh, you know, and and I was like, we were like pissing and joking, and I said, I know, and you'll never see me again. And he was like, I know that we don't know each other, and I mean, this doesn't like look the best that we just had a one night thing. He was like, But I really, really like you, and it makes me kind of sad to hear that you say that we're never gonna see each other again. And I was like, Oh, oh, I'm sorry. And he was like, No, don't be sorry, but it's just you know, it is kind of sad, it does feel kind of sad. And I was like, He's from another country, so it was like we're definitely never gonna see each other again, and that was fine with me at the time, and then I kind of felt there's a little bit of power in there, and I was like, I don't know if it's a power trick or power, I'm not sure. And then that was it. So I have these few photos of us from that epic night that I've never told anybody about ever, never told anybody about that night. And I wanted to write it like I wrote that one that I did, you know, a couple of years before, but it's never happened yet. So if there's a platform that calls for a story like that, I'm ready to write, you know? Uh because that I feel like that's so much juicier and so much more that touches in here versus something like porn, where you know, I can relate to some of it, but like really it's just too much too fast. Whereas I think women want to be connected with and we want to feel it from here. And that's why reading books like that is like, yes, because you get the connection.

SPEAKER_04 43:39

Yeah, you know, I started there. The first story I wrote was almost 900 pages about a woman who cheats on her husband. And it was, in my view, it was this unconventional love story about how her husband goes through, you know, anger and rage and betrayal and sadness and all the things that he goes through. True, but ultimately comes around to choose her. And and it's and it was extremely filthy, erotic story. But it was so authentic for me. And it was met with a very mixed, you know. I mean, there were people who loved it, and uh have a couple of people who read it read it that to this day write me like email, but there were also people who absolutely hated it and you know were rather expressive about their disapproval of the book. And so, I mean, I went through a year of retreating from writing. When I came back to it, it was a a woman who was writing who encouraged me to kind of get off the bench and get back on the field and write again, and she was writing these really short stories, and so I thought, well, maybe I could do that. And I started writing again, but I found that most of the readers that I was drawing with those kind of really short, just you know, kind of wham bam was it was drawing a lot of male readers, and I think it was because there wasn't a lot of story, it was just sex scenes, really. And I mean, I was trying to bring story to it, but it wasn't like if I write authentically, I think for me, you know, there is gonna be this exploration of this character and their journey. And so, I mean, I feel like now that I plan to rewrite all of that stuff into books. Because for me, there is a story, like all those characters that I write about in those little short stories, like there's a whole story about each one of them, you know. Yes, and I just didn't tell it. Yes, yes, so anyway, that's in my future for writing this. Oh, I love it.

SPEAKER_02 45:42

Oh, I can't wait to read it.

SPEAKER_04 45:44

So anyway, I love that that you've ex just experienced how you you telling your stories through writing has had such a powerful Well you reminded me of it. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:54

You jumping into that book. I mean, the the group that we were both in and talking about it reminded me of I really like doing that. I forgot that I like doing that. I forgot that I'm really good at that. Not that, you know, it was for me to share a story the way that I wanted to share a story. That's really powerful. It's almost like when you were just saying what you're saying right now, I was thinking, what a disservice you do not sharing your stories with people. And and we don't even we don't even know what the disservice is until we haven't, you know, until we experience it and we think, how could we not have, you know, what would my life be if I hadn't read that, you know? And and that's what was popping up from the first story that I said. People were emailing me, they're like, I was I had the best sex with my husband that I've ever had. Yes, yeah, because of the story. And I'm like, right, you know, like that's what I want. I that that's all I ever wanted. I wanted to be connected with, and I want people to connect, right? I want to connect to myself so we can connect to others, and that's how I use movement to do that. So this is just movement in a different way. Say with you, just move in a different way. So I love it.

SPEAKER_04 47:01

So I mean, if there's people that are uh listening to this or watching this and they are like, ooh, I want to read what Anastasia wrote, is that out there somewhere for them?

SPEAKER_02 47:12

It is, it is out there, but I'll be honest with you, I haven't seen it since then. So I wouldn't want to read it, you know, and then I would wonder how if I were to rewrite another something, how I would get it back out there, you know, or I don't know, I don't know, but it feels like it's there, it's there, and it's like just don't forget me, you know, because it wants to be shared.

SPEAKER_04 47:36

Well, if you find it, and I would say do you know where it is, or do you think you can find it?

SPEAKER_02 47:41

It's on Facebook somewhere.

SPEAKER_04 47:42

I mean, oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 47:43

Yeah, I literally posted it right on my page, which is why everybody was so upset about it. Well, the people that were, because they were like, I usually come to you for inspirational quotes, and now I'm getting now.

SPEAKER_04 47:54

You're doing this, right? How dare, how dare you?

SPEAKER_02 47:57

How dare you talk about my body? Your body and people's bodies being close. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 48:04

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:05

I know it's like footloose out there sometimes. Like people are like, No, we don't dance, it's bad. And I'm like, What the hell? That's crazy talk. And yet there are people that still feel like dancing is is awful. And the only thing I can think of is of even like jiggling your hips a little bit, like we store a lot of trauma in our sacral, you know, and and I know that, I know that because I feel it in my own body, so it's like I'm just trying to make people wiggle, jiggle, and giggle, you know what I mean? And like when and if it's through dance, if it's through sex, if it's through anything, just go fuck do it. You will feel so much better getting moving that energy through your body, right?

SPEAKER_04 48:43

Well, thank you so much for opening up and just sharing all of this beautiful. Uh uh I kind of had a feeling this conversation was gonna be so rich with you, but you completely blew the roof off of my expectations of what this conversation would be. I'm very grateful that you um yeah, that you just came with such openness and just shared your heart.

SPEAKER_02 49:08

Well, thank you for giving me the opportunity to do so. But then also what I told you before though is like thank you for being a safe space in order for me to speak my truth and be vulnerable and say these things because you know, not not we're not out here dishing out the goods to everybody and not feeling like safe to dish out the goods, and there's so much more, and I think what you're doing is phenomenal. And I know some of the people that you know that you're gonna ask to bring into this space are gonna be like you know, like blow the roof off of this conversation, and it's needed. It's no matter how taboo people feel, how people are gonna always try to stop us, and that's like even more of a reason to throw the door open and be like, here I come. So it's just you being you feels so great to be in your presence. It feels like this. It's like, yay. That's what it feels like. That's what it feels like to tap into you. It's like a here I come, but like almost like a I don't know, you do have shyness about you that I can feel and I love because I can relate. And I love the shy ones because I know that just given the right opportunity, they're gonna be like, you know, those are it's epic.

Marvin aka Morgan Hale 50:26

So exactly. Thanks for listening to Filthy Little Secrets. I hope we left you feeling light, free, and inspired to explore your filthy sexual horizons. If you want more, subscribe to get all the filthy feature fund. If you're a sex positive woman who'd like to burn another bra of shame, I want to talk to you. Wanna come on the show and tell your story? Go to Morganhale Books.com slash podcast to learn more. That's M O R T A N H A L E Books dot com slash podcast. Until next time, this is Morgan Hale encouraging you to keep it real and filthy.